Coming out of Denial

Someone asked me if I was pregnant the other day. When I re-told the story (thinking it was preposterous that anybody could think that, the guy I told said 'well, you do have a bit of a belly'. The fact that he is morbidly obese and the woman who asked me if I was pregnant was tiny and Cambodian has nothing to do with this. I have a belly, and I didn't think I did. I knew I was putting on weight, but I was getting into my old mind set of thinking that as soon as I wanted to lose it, I could. I thought I looked 'okay enough'. But I don't want that - I want to look awesome, because it makes me feel awesome when I do. I want to lose 10kgs, and I can do that in five weeks if I diet and exercise steadily and sensibly. I will still be a healthy weight, but my clothes will fit better, and I will feel better. Maybe I won't look pregnant any more! So I have been eating a good breakfast, juicing for lunch and having either a soup or yoghurt for dinner. I'm also cutting out alcohol entirely and almost eliminating sugar (it's in my soya milk and yoghurts- it's hard to avoid it in Thailand). I haven't seen results yet because I started yesterday. I don't own scales, but I am pretty sure my weight is around 65kgs. I want it to be around 55kgs by May 22nd (five week's time). It's healthy and manageable, so this time I will keep at it. No more holiday binges.

Cold Light Of Day

Even though I was barely dating, I now realise that even that was too much.

This morning I feel horrendous. Last night I tried to explain that I wasn't really anywhere near ready for relationships, and he seemed to understand. But - as always seems to be the case- he then immediately came on stronger. He even went in for a kiss at the end of the night, and he kept saying how great it was that we could discuss these things. He also told me that his friend had been giving him 'tips' on how to talk to me. I can't really explain why, but that made me feel really yucky.

I have eight more yoga classes to take at the same studio, and I have to do them this week, or my time runs out there. After that, I am going to completely stop seeing him. And until then, I will back off considerably.

I'm a little bit worried, though. I wonder if I will ever want to date ever again, sometimes.

I would love to find love, but I can't imagine it with anyone I ever meet.

Yesterday has left me feeling quite low about that side of my life. Or lack of.

No really: I hate dating

Well, the inevitable has happened. The guy I have been dating in a really friendly, laid-back no-pressure kind of way is starting to put on the pressure. It's weird, because it seems as though as soon as you tell somebody that you need to go slowly, they try and speed things up.

That's it; I'm sworn off dating until somebody sweeps me off my feet. I realise this means I might end up a crazy cat lady.

Dropped some poundage!

Yesterday, I binged. I totally gorged myself on free desserts and champagne in the Dusit Hotel, Bangkok. Purely because they were free, and I felt like I'd been deprived of these things!

Today, I woke up expecting to see a huge, fat belly greet me in the mirror. But it didn't. Instead I thought that I looked quite slim. I don't usually feel this way, especially after a day of indulgence.

So, I tentatively put on my trousers that have been a little too tight to be comfortable or appropriate to wear out in public (it was a case of the camel toe) until now. But now, they look good.

I feel amazing! I feel like I have rediscovered the secret to weight loss, and it's easy. I felt like this in Dubai, too when I lost weight the first time. It's such an easy code to crack, but it takes me ages sometimes.

So, the mango and milk diet is here to stay!

Seeking Perfection

I think I have realised what the problem is. I'm indesicive all the time because I want everything to be incredible; my job, my holidays, my life in general.

Today I spoke to someone who has my dream life. She travels all over and gets paid handsomely for it by writing books and features. She is even married to a photographer, which obviously makes a great partnership for a journalist.

I don't think I'd be happy doing a job that wasn't the best job. So, I'd better get working on it.

Tomorrow I will dedicate to my dream life. Today I am too drunk to start.

Date Night

Dating is so weird. I used to love dates when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I even signed up to an online agency and met total strangers in London. Needless to say the dates were TERRIBLE (though that didn't stop me kissing them at the end of the night). I used to date two or three men at a time, sometimes. How times change.

Nowadays, dating terrifies me. For a start, I'm really, really not remotely interested in most of the men I meet. And I think my body language makes it quite clear, as most men don't bother making a play for me. (Or perhaps am just wildly unattractive? Hope not.) The thought of kissing them makes me ill, so what's the point in going on a date? I'd just spend the whole evening thinking of ways to fend them off.

Since my ex and I broke up I've had a few dates, but I find them really depressing. Most guys who try it on are of the 'player' type. Basically, they would like to think themselves irresistable to women and try and prove it to themselves by being total sluts with no regard to anybodies feelings. Boys - even the most trampy looking people can do that. We just choose not to. Unfortunately I often go for these boys (WHY, WHY, WHY??), and so in the last few months I have met quite a few men who have turned out to be married. One guy I have known for years was chatting to me on Facebook, then suddenly asked me to turn my webcam on for some 'fun'. We had been talking about politics in China. Unbelievable. Thankfully, nothing has ever happened with these vile men, but honestly - what kind of arsehole does that? I hope there are some trustworthy men out there. The more married men I know, the more I doubt it.

The other kind of man who makes a play for me is the single, older gentleman. I've seen a couple of them in the past few months. They both make you feel like a goddess, even when you're in gym gear or have your hair plastered to your face with sweat (as often happens in Dubai and Thailand). Unfortunately, neither of these men is my type. On paper they were great; charming, funny, similar interests, grown-up enough to commit and in decent jobs. But, the spark wasn't there.

I'm still dating one of them, but - for me - I feel as though I am hanging out with a friend. For him, I know it's more.

God, dating is horrendous. Hopefully one day I will meet somebody I want to date. The only person who REALLY interested me in the last year (I'm talking chemistry that would blow up a science lab) mentioned he was married, just as I was thinking we'd be heading back to his place.

In the meantime, while I wait, I think I would rather be single than put up with fending off men I'm not interested in, or dealing with some men's stupid egos or any of the rest of it.

I guess the problem is, when you think you've found the right one, all the other ones are the wrong one.

Funny Day.

This is just a quick one, because I'm off to bed.

Today, I went to a prison in Bangkok to go and meet some of the inmates. They're all in on drugs charges, which I don't have huge amounts of sympathy for, but for these guys, visitors once in a blue moon are the only chance they get to speak to anybody outside of the prison. One Nepali guy I spoke to had been in for 11 years, and still had 20 to go. A Burmese guy has been in there for years, too.He said his embassy haven't gone to see him once. It was pretty eye-opening.

In some ways the prison was better than I thought it would be. You can bring in food and magazines for the prisoners. But in other ways, it was awful. Some of them share rooms with 17 guys, apparently. And the inequality, race wise, is very clear from their stories. Westerners get thee best deal, by far.

After that, I went to the Soi Cats and Dog charity. I have offered to volunteer, and I start tomorrow. I will eventually be the web editor, but tomorrow I am just spending the day getting to know people, and playing with the animals. What could be more fun?

I was true to my diet today; I ate porridge for breakfast, nothing for lunch and just mangoes and soya milk for dinner. I wasn't hungry at all - I was too busy. I did have three fizzy drinks, though. Ooops! Never drink them at home, but in Cambodia I couldn't get enough. I hope that won't be the case here, too.

I can't ever seem to wean myself off sugar! It's either LOADS of chocolate, LOADS of mangoes or LOADS of fizzy drinks. Discovered Jack Fruit today, though - it's sweet, but not overly so.aybe it can be my healthier treat?

Okay. That's it. Goodnight!