Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Scale Scare


Hello, I have been busy since I last wrote.

I’ve been busy almost finishing my weekly goals but not quite, (okay – 20 lengths, 6.5km and 1 hour of strength training off – BUT I had an ankle injury).

I have also been busy at work – 14 features in 15 working days to do. Great. AND for reasons like the sentence before this, I quit my job. Yes, I finally did it.

I have no job to go to, but I feel so liberated. I can’t wait to go and see some more of the world. It bothers me that it’s there and I know it is, but I can’t get to it. Now I can.

I will tell you more about my plans in the next month, but today I want to confess that I have had a day of eating nothing but sugar. Tomorrow I will be good as gold. Today I have eaten:

1 Frijj chocolate shake
2 slices of toast with peanut butter
1/3 of a big honey flavoured pot of goat’s yoghurt (I ate the other 2/3 last night)
A fruit and nut bar (somebody left it as a present on my desk)
A piece of fudge
A salad
A load of plums

I am also just about to eat a nut bar.

God help my waistline.

The problem is twofold. Firstly, it’s flooded in Dubai. My yoga class was cancelled last night and it’s not possible to run or swim, or even get cabs to the gym. So, I was lazy two nights running. This scares me. I don’t want to remember what lazy nights feel like… I know they feel good and I don’t want to get lazy again.

Secondly, somebody told me I looked thin, and I started to realise that maybe I am - so I guess it made me a bit complacent. I think I am a UK size ten on my bottom and a size 8 on my top. I still feel fat, though. I know I’m not. But I think in the same way that when you are 26 and you still feel like a geeky teenager inside, when you have lost weight, your brain still thinks of you as chubby. Does this sound like two opposing thoughts? It may do, which gives you an idea of my scrambled brain at the moment!


I am trying to quell any unhealthy food thoughts, but it’s hard. I notice more and more what I eat, and I think of things in terms of whether they are carbs or protein etc, and I hate eating carbs at night because I can see it on the scales in the morning. This is bad, and something I need to nip in the bud. But preferably without becoming a hippo. Hard, hard, hard.

It’s weird because really recently I was way more interested in just being fit and healthy. Now I have a near obsession with getting below 60kg. I’m still 61kg, although today I don’t want to weight myself. I think I will cry if I see the effect the chocolate has had.

I think that maybe it will just sort itself out when I have a new focus. Like a boy, or a new country and job. And preferably all of those things! These are not the thoughts of a yoga teacher. I need to think holistic and long term health, not plummeting weight and food fears.

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