Coming out of Denial

Someone asked me if I was pregnant the other day. When I re-told the story (thinking it was preposterous that anybody could think that, the guy I told said 'well, you do have a bit of a belly'. The fact that he is morbidly obese and the woman who asked me if I was pregnant was tiny and Cambodian has nothing to do with this. I have a belly, and I didn't think I did. I knew I was putting on weight, but I was getting into my old mind set of thinking that as soon as I wanted to lose it, I could. I thought I looked 'okay enough'. But I don't want that - I want to look awesome, because it makes me feel awesome when I do. I want to lose 10kgs, and I can do that in five weeks if I diet and exercise steadily and sensibly. I will still be a healthy weight, but my clothes will fit better, and I will feel better. Maybe I won't look pregnant any more! So I have been eating a good breakfast, juicing for lunch and having either a soup or yoghurt for dinner. I'm also cutting out alcohol entirely and almost eliminating sugar (it's in my soya milk and yoghurts- it's hard to avoid it in Thailand). I haven't seen results yet because I started yesterday. I don't own scales, but I am pretty sure my weight is around 65kgs. I want it to be around 55kgs by May 22nd (five week's time). It's healthy and manageable, so this time I will keep at it. No more holiday binges.

Cold Light Of Day

Even though I was barely dating, I now realise that even that was too much.

This morning I feel horrendous. Last night I tried to explain that I wasn't really anywhere near ready for relationships, and he seemed to understand. But - as always seems to be the case- he then immediately came on stronger. He even went in for a kiss at the end of the night, and he kept saying how great it was that we could discuss these things. He also told me that his friend had been giving him 'tips' on how to talk to me. I can't really explain why, but that made me feel really yucky.

I have eight more yoga classes to take at the same studio, and I have to do them this week, or my time runs out there. After that, I am going to completely stop seeing him. And until then, I will back off considerably.

I'm a little bit worried, though. I wonder if I will ever want to date ever again, sometimes.

I would love to find love, but I can't imagine it with anyone I ever meet.

Yesterday has left me feeling quite low about that side of my life. Or lack of.

No really: I hate dating

Well, the inevitable has happened. The guy I have been dating in a really friendly, laid-back no-pressure kind of way is starting to put on the pressure. It's weird, because it seems as though as soon as you tell somebody that you need to go slowly, they try and speed things up.

That's it; I'm sworn off dating until somebody sweeps me off my feet. I realise this means I might end up a crazy cat lady.

Dropped some poundage!

Yesterday, I binged. I totally gorged myself on free desserts and champagne in the Dusit Hotel, Bangkok. Purely because they were free, and I felt like I'd been deprived of these things!

Today, I woke up expecting to see a huge, fat belly greet me in the mirror. But it didn't. Instead I thought that I looked quite slim. I don't usually feel this way, especially after a day of indulgence.

So, I tentatively put on my trousers that have been a little too tight to be comfortable or appropriate to wear out in public (it was a case of the camel toe) until now. But now, they look good.

I feel amazing! I feel like I have rediscovered the secret to weight loss, and it's easy. I felt like this in Dubai, too when I lost weight the first time. It's such an easy code to crack, but it takes me ages sometimes.

So, the mango and milk diet is here to stay!

Seeking Perfection

I think I have realised what the problem is. I'm indesicive all the time because I want everything to be incredible; my job, my holidays, my life in general.

Today I spoke to someone who has my dream life. She travels all over and gets paid handsomely for it by writing books and features. She is even married to a photographer, which obviously makes a great partnership for a journalist.

I don't think I'd be happy doing a job that wasn't the best job. So, I'd better get working on it.

Tomorrow I will dedicate to my dream life. Today I am too drunk to start.

Date Night

Dating is so weird. I used to love dates when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I even signed up to an online agency and met total strangers in London. Needless to say the dates were TERRIBLE (though that didn't stop me kissing them at the end of the night). I used to date two or three men at a time, sometimes. How times change.

Nowadays, dating terrifies me. For a start, I'm really, really not remotely interested in most of the men I meet. And I think my body language makes it quite clear, as most men don't bother making a play for me. (Or perhaps am just wildly unattractive? Hope not.) The thought of kissing them makes me ill, so what's the point in going on a date? I'd just spend the whole evening thinking of ways to fend them off.

Since my ex and I broke up I've had a few dates, but I find them really depressing. Most guys who try it on are of the 'player' type. Basically, they would like to think themselves irresistable to women and try and prove it to themselves by being total sluts with no regard to anybodies feelings. Boys - even the most trampy looking people can do that. We just choose not to. Unfortunately I often go for these boys (WHY, WHY, WHY??), and so in the last few months I have met quite a few men who have turned out to be married. One guy I have known for years was chatting to me on Facebook, then suddenly asked me to turn my webcam on for some 'fun'. We had been talking about politics in China. Unbelievable. Thankfully, nothing has ever happened with these vile men, but honestly - what kind of arsehole does that? I hope there are some trustworthy men out there. The more married men I know, the more I doubt it.

The other kind of man who makes a play for me is the single, older gentleman. I've seen a couple of them in the past few months. They both make you feel like a goddess, even when you're in gym gear or have your hair plastered to your face with sweat (as often happens in Dubai and Thailand). Unfortunately, neither of these men is my type. On paper they were great; charming, funny, similar interests, grown-up enough to commit and in decent jobs. But, the spark wasn't there.

I'm still dating one of them, but - for me - I feel as though I am hanging out with a friend. For him, I know it's more.

God, dating is horrendous. Hopefully one day I will meet somebody I want to date. The only person who REALLY interested me in the last year (I'm talking chemistry that would blow up a science lab) mentioned he was married, just as I was thinking we'd be heading back to his place.

In the meantime, while I wait, I think I would rather be single than put up with fending off men I'm not interested in, or dealing with some men's stupid egos or any of the rest of it.

I guess the problem is, when you think you've found the right one, all the other ones are the wrong one.

Funny Day.

This is just a quick one, because I'm off to bed.

Today, I went to a prison in Bangkok to go and meet some of the inmates. They're all in on drugs charges, which I don't have huge amounts of sympathy for, but for these guys, visitors once in a blue moon are the only chance they get to speak to anybody outside of the prison. One Nepali guy I spoke to had been in for 11 years, and still had 20 to go. A Burmese guy has been in there for years, too.He said his embassy haven't gone to see him once. It was pretty eye-opening.

In some ways the prison was better than I thought it would be. You can bring in food and magazines for the prisoners. But in other ways, it was awful. Some of them share rooms with 17 guys, apparently. And the inequality, race wise, is very clear from their stories. Westerners get thee best deal, by far.

After that, I went to the Soi Cats and Dog charity. I have offered to volunteer, and I start tomorrow. I will eventually be the web editor, but tomorrow I am just spending the day getting to know people, and playing with the animals. What could be more fun?

I was true to my diet today; I ate porridge for breakfast, nothing for lunch and just mangoes and soya milk for dinner. I wasn't hungry at all - I was too busy. I did have three fizzy drinks, though. Ooops! Never drink them at home, but in Cambodia I couldn't get enough. I hope that won't be the case here, too.

I can't ever seem to wean myself off sugar! It's either LOADS of chocolate, LOADS of mangoes or LOADS of fizzy drinks. Discovered Jack Fruit today, though - it's sweet, but not overly so.aybe it can be my healthier treat?

Okay. That's it. Goodnight!

The Milk and Mango experiment

I had lunch with a friend today, and we discussed a mutual acquaintence who lost a whole heap of weight in just four months; she went from a UK size 14-16 to a skinny size 8. And her legs are now the most incredibly long, flawless things you've ever seen. She's like a baby giraffe.

Anyway, I was thinking (as I often do) how amazing it would be to lose significant amounts and then do a big 'reveal' when friends and family come to visit. I guess we all think that - if we have a reunion, or a wedding where we will be seeing people we don't every day, it's always lovely to have people tell you you've lost weight. So, since I barely ever see anyone I know these days, I'm always thinking about losing weight for the next meet-up.

Actually - last time I saw people, I had put on a few pounds, and everyone noticed. My brother-in-law told me I looked better for it (whatever - nobody wants to hear theey've put on weight), and my friend said nothing- until another friend walked in the door. He told her she looked incredible and had lost SO much weight and looked great. These things felt awful. Putting on weight - even if it's just a few pounds - sucks.

Anyway, I have decided that the best way to do it is by only eating one proper meal a day. For breakfast, I will feast on fruit. For lunch, I will eat a healthy Thai meal of som tam (papaya salad) or roast sweet potato, or similar. For dinner, I will sip soya milk.

I love the soya milk here - there are so many varieties. So, even though - to you- soya milk for dinner sounds awful, to me it's a bit of a treat. Yum!

I will start tomorrow and let you know my progress. By the way; starting tomorrow doesn't mean I am spending the day eating oreos and chips today. I've just already eaten two solid meals.

Hopefully, the next time any of my friends see me, I will be of ballet dancer proportions. Or at least will have dropped a dress size or two...

Travel Troubles

I'm Googling ways to travel around the world on no money. Why can't I just be happy in one place for a while? Arrhrghrgh!

Can I still blame the fact I'm heartbroken? Or is this just my personality now? Great; condemned to a lifetime of sulkily walking the earth and always feeling that I'd be having a better time elsewhere.

Banging on about Bangkok.

It's been a while (again), and yet again all manner of things have changed since I last blogged. While everything seems to remain very still in my life, looking back I realise it's constantly moving. No wonder my family and friends can't keep up with me - I can barely keep up with my plans myself. And I really do have a vested interest in knowing what they are.

The latest is that I'm in Bangkok. I've got a place (a long term, super-cheap, super-homely guesthouse) and I'm job hunting.

My plans when I came here were to:

1. Get a full time media job
2. Freelance
3. Learn Spanish
4. Get better at yoga
5. Learn ballet

Two weeks in and I have begun to accommplish some of these goals. I have a nice, solid yoga practice. I am freelancing a fair bit (needs to be more) and I have started making a crack at the Spanish (kind of. Just don't test me on it.)

Unfortunately, without the job in place, I can't really afford to carry on with or begin anything else.

I've emailed everyone in town, and there just aren't any jobs. Not any media jobs anyway.

I am coming to the horrible conclusion that I have made another mistake, and I will have to work as a teacher until I can think of another way to make things work.

I guess in the meantime, I will freelance and apply for jobs. I'm pretty disappointed in myself, though.I really thought I'd come here and things would fall into place. I think I come across as so confident about it that other people thought I'd do it too.

But I haven't. I've had people interested in freelance, and one person who mentioned that there may be a job in a while, possibly. But even that would only be part time. It's a dream job, but still - you can't hang your hopes on something that may never occur.

I'm not sure what my next move is. It has to be a quick one, though because my cash is dwindling- fast. Hmmm.

In other news, I am pretty convinced I've lost weight. The reason? Well, I've been on the ignorance diet. I'm trying to live as a vegan again, but it's really hard to explain the concept in Thai, so I've been opting for mango lunches and soya milk dinners. Aaaah - the ignorance diet. You can't beat it.

Also - what with all my lack of money, I've been doing a fair bit of travelling by foot. Hopefully, this time next month I will have that teeny tiny body that I know is under all this flab.

Goal Weight

This is a dull post, but serves as more of a reminder to me. My goal weight is 53.5kg.
That means I need to lose about 10kgs.... that could be a 12 week challenge. Totally do-able and healthy, I think.

There will be more dharma and less dinner soon, I hope.

In other news, I think I have an idea for the book I want to write. Finally!

I Want To Be A Ballerina

I just went to see Black Swan. I've wanted to do ballet lessons for ages (I did a couple in Dubai and tried desperately to get my dancer friend in Cambodia to put on classes, but she didn't), but now I have a renewed interest. I've looked up classes in Bangkok, and I can't wait to start. I'm going to do ballet, pilates, yoga, running and swimming when I move out there.

Additionally, I am starting a new way of eating. Today I had a green smoothie for breakfast (spinach, tofu, mango and flaxseed), brazil nuts for a snack, a sweetcorn laksa for lunch and a choc slim shake for dinner. Also the rest of my pic 'n mix from the cinema. NO MORE CHOCOLATE from now on. I can't be trusted to have any.

Dinners are my hardest time for dieting, so I'm going to cut them out. Once I start, I can't seem to stop, whereas if I know I can't eat then I barely think about food. Sounds mental, I know.

So - project 'look like Natalie Portman in leggings' begins.

Working It Out

I think that in addition to a food blog, I am going to add a training schedule and weigh-ins to my blog too. I will have my first weigh-in on Tuesday. It helps to give me a bit of focus, and I really think exercise will help get my head in the right place, too.

My schedule this week will include:

Run 40 mins x 5
Swim 40 mins x 2
Yoga 40 mins x 7
Ab focus 20 mins
Arm focus 20 mins
Leg focus 20 mins

So - this is to be completed by the end of next Saturday 29th. Better get to it...!

Onwards and Upwards

It's been ages since I last blogged. In the time since I last wrote I have left Dubai, spent the summer in the UK, moved to Phnom Penh, left Phnom Penh, spent Christmas in the UK and am now preparing to move to Bangkok.

Also - I have been thinking about the man quite a lot, but I'm getting a bit bored of feeling sorry for myself and lusting after something that will never happen. I’ve been really reluctant to let go. It’s been hard because I am still in contact, but it doesn’t sense to me to cut ties with one of the best people I’ve ever met. So now is the time to get over it and move on. It's a shame, but at the same time It's exciting to reinvent my look, go on some dates with some beautiful boys and take my life off hold for the first time in a year.

This year is about progressing my career, spending time on myself and what I want to do (learn Spanish and ballet as well as getting fit and healthy).

Unfortunately the desire to drop some pounds is still very appealing. I go through periods of self-loathing, chocolate binges and fasting, but overall I am eating pretty well and working to adjust my relationship with food. I am an emotional eater and now that I have decided to move on, I hope that will kick start a more normal approach to eating. That is as dark as this blog will get, I promise. Otherwise, I am pretty happy and normal.

I thought that blogging my food and exercise would help me to see where I'm going wrong. I hope it won’t get tedious!

Today so far:
9am
Large bowl of porridge with soya milk and flaxseed
Hot water and lemon
Detox tea